Dear Aunty Entity

The company I am working for are combining staff and clients for their Christmas party this year. All employees, including contract workers are obliged to attend. Do you have any tips for surviving this nightmare without losing my job?

Chezza

Dear Chez

Hmmm. Combining staff and clients can be a recipe for disaster but a lot of companies do it for a number of reasons. Office legends usually begin at such events and there is either kudos or a harassment claim to come following allegations of being caught in a compromising position on the chairman’s desk with their assistant. The ready availability of alcohol can also lead to problems, fuelling confidence in supernatural abilities and lowering inhibitions. However, there are a few rules you can follow to minimise fallout and ensure the only envelope you receive from HR is the one containing your payslip:

1. Keep it in your pants:
   You might have been playing ‘footsie’ with your client under the table at meetings for the last 3 months, but if you want to take things to the next level a work function may not be the best place to do it. Apart from everyone knowing who both of you are and even, who your partners are (some of them may even be friends), facing an increasingly pissed off queue for the loo which may include senior staff as you both leave a cubicle after a noisy session warrants the appearance of 007, not Kevin from accounts.
2. Don’t overdo the booze:
   It’s tempting to drink yourself into oblivion at functions where the company is dull, alcohol is free and there are people offering it to you at every turn. If you are drinking try and limit your intake at least for the first couple of hours until you can see the party loosening up. Your action-packed karaoke rendition of ‘My humps’ will not seem so embarrassing in the morning if at least all other guests are in the same state as you are.
3. Lay off the drugs:
   Remember this isn’t a dance party in a muddy field in Gloucester and the scariest thing you’ll probably have to encounter is the cab driver on the way home. You only need to keep awake long enough to circulate, make some chit chat and smile nicely. Gurning, over-animated or un-intelligible speech is not amusing to someone who isn’t having what you’ve had. If you must do drugs, at least do them in their natural habitat – a nightclub loo.
4. Don’t turn up hungry:
   Eating in company opens up an array of potential blunders. Remember, your primary role is to entertain or circulate. Sparkling conversation and witty stories lack luster if you’ve constantly got a gob full of canapes or a bit of spinach flapping on your front teeth. If in a seated environment, watch the diners you are with to ensure you finish eating around the same time they do. Bolting food is not a good look, and licking the plate clean is best left to those occasions you are dining alone. At restaurants choose items on the menu requiring the least effort from plate to mouth: for example: whole crab: null points…. salmon fillet: deux points.
5. Dress appropriately:
   You might have a penchant for loud Hawaiian shirts or teeny hot pants. Before donning that JLo number with the neckline slashed to the navel or the t-shirt with the obscene reference to sex/drugs/animals/management, ask yourself if you could happily look the CEO in the eye on Monday morning after the event. Finally, one teensy tip for women that often seems to be overlooked: if you wear skirts – especially short numbers, please remember knickers – you only want to be remembered for one dazzling smile.