Tis the Season for Suggestions from Family
Though the holiday season reminds us of many wonderful things, peace on Earth and good will seems shattered for most the minute family walks through the door. If not a visit, the annual phone call to grandmother is stressed by the repeat attempt to explain to her what it is you do for a living. At least you can tell her your phone battery is dying and you need to hang up, but even that brings an explanation as to why a phone needs a battery.
It’s based on love and concern. Keep saying that so you don’t unwrap a shotgun at the dinner table and scream, “JUST WHAT I WANTED!” Ho-BLAM-ho-BLAM-ho-BLAM!
You all know the problem; non-creatives who don’t understand how you can make a living creating, designing, developing web sites, coding or designing logos and such. Sure, old drunken Uncle “touchy” has always wanted you to do logos for his friend who owns Microsoft as a “favor to him” or to paint his company logo, consisting of a slug dressed as a sewer cleaner on the side of his panel truck, but does family understand what we do and why we love it? If they did, I wouldn’t be writing this therapeutic article and pounding on my keyboard as if I wanted to give the keys concussions.
All Grandmothers Are Alike
I don’t care your national origin, culture, creed or color; all grandmothers will never understand what you do and will hound you endlessly to do a cartoon strip of some scrawling you did when you were four years-old. The only thing that stopped my grandmother from angrily arguing why I wouldn’t do a daily comic strip of the “funny little man” I drew when I was four was her dying. I may not have actually been the grandchild who did it, but as a grown-up creative, she thought I should do it so she could boast to her friends, most of whom were already dead or 90% there from massive strokes. Never mind I was making a good living with design, which I loved; I should drop that and spend my time creating a strip because “everyone would love it!”
She got very upset that I refused and had to actually argue explaining the reasons why. A typical argument was her being in disbelief I couldn’t just take the yellowed crayon drawing still on her refrigerator and show it to Charles Schulz and suddenly have a fulltime job being a cartoonist.
As I worked as the art director and writer for MAD Magazine, she told everyone I was a “cartoonist.” When I called her, she would tell me some distant cousin was impressed he/she was related to a “famous cartoonist” and they wanted my email. The arguments were a stroll in the park compared to explaining “@gmail” to her so she could give them my address. Those that managed to get through to me were always disappointed I wouldn’t “draw them” so they could frame it. When they found out I was a graphic designer, I would usually be asked to do a logo for their new business. The fee suggestion would turn them from third cousins into fifth cousins.
They Make Films From This Stuff
In the film, “Art School Confidential,” the main character, who struggles to find his artistic voice in a crazy world of untalented students and underachieving teachers, is eating dinner with his family and his grandmother brings up a friend whose granddaughter paints flowers on the other children’s sneakers for money and asks why he can’t do that. Haven’t we all heard that suggestion?
My saintly sister, in her love and concern for me in these tough times calls me about stories she sees on television about a cartoon book and asks why I can’t do that. She believes it will only take a week for me to do it. I remind her that JK Rowling was turned down 29 times but she seems to feel that process will only take a month or so. There are 30 days, so that gives me 30 chances to find a publisher!
My mother, between her fresh doses of medication will call me when she meets someone successful and ask why I don’t “change my résumé” so I can work as a digital marketing ad placement specialist who earns $600,000 a year.
Is that what this guy makes, mom?” I ask.
“Well, he makes a fortune and is looking for a million dollar house!” she replies.
“Isn’t this the trust fund baby who never has to work?”
“Yes, his family is very rich!”
“Maybe they’re buying the house and he doesn’t make that much money?”
“Why don’t you try it?” she shoots back.
That leads to a long argument where I try to calmly explain professionalism and experience vs. a changed résumé. She gets angry I don’t at least try it. This is the same woman who insisted I travel into New York City every day after school to find a job at an ad agency. She believed if I asked enough art directors, one would hire me part-time and then she could brag to friends that her 13 year-old son worked at an ad agency after school.
If I failed to go on my daily trek, walking into strange buildings on Madison Avenue, asking receptionists if I could talk to an art director, my mother would hit me with my sister. I believe that explains my sister’s current mental problems. It wasn’t until a close family friend who was a well-known leader in the advertising industry found out what she was making me do…by finding me sitting in a corner of an elevator, rocking myself, sobbing and mumbling, that it came to an end when he explained there was no chance at all I would be hired. She argued violently with him but he kept his cool and dispensed every argument she could bring forth. He smiled and winked at me when she gave up and let me work delivering newspapers around the neighborhood like a normal 13 year-old. To this day I think she still believes I was wasting my life in the news industry.
To this day, however, she tells me she is disappointed I never wrote a “funny letter” to Mel Brooks as he might have let me write a movie with him. I’m tempted to create a Mel Brooks letterhead and write a letter from him using the foulest language, turning me down. Let her go around telling people what a foul-mouth jerk Mr. Brooks is!
Happy Holiday, You Underachievers Everywhere!
When you sit down to the family dinner, you know there will be plenty of suggestions. “You design web sites? Why don’t you design one for Microsoft? They’ll pay a lot!”
“”Why don’t you make a site for your cousin Jeffrey’s mental hospital?”
“Cousin Jeffrey is IN a mental hospital! He doesn’t OWN one.”
Christians have it easy. One night and it’s over. Jews get eight nights of suggestions and Muslims get thirty days and they are weak from fasting.
My friend Ahmed shook his head after telling me how an uncle kept suggesting he illustrate the Koran. How does one explain the problems with THAT!?
Our families love us and just think they are helping, so why not help them back? This year, nod politely at their suggestions and tell them you’ll look into becoming the president of web design, if such a position exists and then make suggestions that will help their lives.
After a family member makes a suggestion, based on their emotional/mental problem, suggest the following:
The sexually promiscuous cousin:
“Why don’t you get a job at the hospital trying to find a cure for those sores on your lip?”
The uncle who’s fond of drinking more than his share:
“Why don’t you contact the Mayo Clinic about discovering an artificial liver since yours will give out by the time we have dessert?”
The crazy aunt:
“Why don’t you look into finding a device that will prevent your boyfriends from stealing your money?”
Grandma:
“I actually AM working on that but unfortunately it’s slated to be released long after you’ve died.”
Grandpa:
“Speak up! I can’t hear you.” (Keep repeating this over and over).
Siblings:
“Why don’t you find a cheaper source for the crack you’ve been selling to school children?”
Parents:
“I’d rather work on a device that allows you to steal grandma and grandpa’s money while you’re here at the table, instead of sneaking into their bedroom and taking it from their dresser drawer.”
Remember to argue the point until they throw dessert against the wall and storm off. You will never get any further suggestions and you’re too old to get a check in your birthday card anyway.
Dinner and Therapy
These suggestions may seem harsh to many of you. I understand and won’t tell you to “grow up and grow a pair.” Instead, just lie and tell them you are working on a secret project for a government agency that will “lessen the overcrowding in the world,” then laugh maniacally and finish your meal in silence, quickly looking over your shoulder every thirty seconds. They will never ask you about that project ever again.
Whatever your most holy holiday or celebration may be this year, have a great one and may it be suggestion free.
Leave a Comment
Very funny article and a wonderful diversion from the other blogs focused on the warm and fuzzy holiday bliss.
That said … I have to ask – why do you care what anyone thinks of you?
Hey, we all enjoy compliments, praise, and applause. It feels good when we are on the receiving end of someone’s adulation. Being congratulated or complimented is a wonderfully pleasurable feeling, and enjoying the feelings that come from other people’s endorsement is perfectly normal. There is nothing unhealthy about desiring and appreciating approval from others, however when people’s approval becomes a need , this is when it becomes unhealthy.
If you are happy to have it and you receive it without solicitation, this is healthy, but when you seek it, or expect it, or require it, this behavior is a self-destructive.
This approval seeking neurosis is on full display when around family at the holidays.
You are welcome to visit my site and most recent article – (10) strategies for eliminating the approval-seeking neurosis from you life.
I think you didn’t comprehend the article. It has nothing to do with adoration. As with the following comments, it has to do with people who don’t understand the creative process or professiona.
I did look at your blog and wonder if you didn’t get “inspired” by my article, Do You REALLY Want To Be A Design “Rock Star?”
(http://www.processedidentity.com/article/do-you-really-want-to-be-a-design-rock-star/)
Now THAT is an adoration problem!
BTW…sorry for the typo and odd grammar (using my phone to reply — adulation was spell-corrected to adoration, too). I didn’t mean the following comments were not comprehending the article. I was referring to the comments as GETTING the point.
Enjoy your family time…or time AWAY!
I come from a family of artists.
Ever feel like your family reunion is like a portfolio review? Well, welcome to my family. Where improving our artistic work is job #1, 2, 3, 4, and you get the idea.
You should have become an accountant. That would keep them quiet!
I am so glad this isn’t just me! My dad has been telling me to make the next Google by working in the garage in my free time and soon I’ll be a millionaire. Before that, he was telling me to make a new operating system that is better than Windows and then I’ll be as rich as Bill Gates. He just saw The Social Network so now his new thing is telling me to make the next Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg is a couple years younger than me, he points out, so it should be easy for me to make a better Facebook and I’ll have all his bazillions in no time.
Tell dad you lied and you’re really a “call girl.” See if he has business tips for that!
Also, I’ve noticed that asking family members tons of questions gets them so involved in answering them, that they don’t even get a chance to ask you their questions or give you their ‘helpful’ suggestions.
But anyway, this totally made my day. Thanks.
I try to lead them along until they realize the agenda they are pushing, without real understanding that their statement and ensuing arguments are moot. They do give up…until the next gathering.
A cousin of mine would always throw a napkin at me and say, “draw me!” I would draw her having sex with a horse or something REALLY filthy. She eventually stopped asking.
i don’t know if it is the length of time that i have been in my career or just being lucky enough to have a family that understands what i do, but i have to say that i hear all the stories of “why don’t you….” and i can proudly say that i haven’t ever had to deal with that (thank god..) …great article and a really fun read! keep em coming!
You’re lucky! I’ve been at it for quite a while and my family just don’t get it.
Enjoy the peace…while you can!
I actually got a few laughs out of this post! You’ve got great tips. I totally understand the “why don’t you”, as if it can happen within the next 5 minutes and as if it’s exactly what you wanted to do. Not sure if it’s great belief that you’re a superhero or just a bunch of rude commands. Either way, how dare they.
Great post. Great post indeed.
Haha, I have to tell you that I LOVED this article. It was well written and of course hilariously spot on to how every family visit is.
I visit my parents and in-laws every weekend on Sunday. Every Sunday, I get multiple requests to go find a “real” job where I know that I will get a paycheck every week. I calmly tell them that they now get these weekly paychecks from the Unemployment Office.
Every single thing you went across is something that I have personally been asked to do.
“You like to draw. Why don’t you go work for the haunted house down the street and make some real money?”
“You couldn’t survive off what just you bring in”
“Oh you own a “firm”… so you have given up on looking for a job for right now then?”
“Oh really! Someone is paying YOU to create tutorial videos/websites/illustrations/print designs/etc”
“Hmm, it must be a really big market and not enough designers if you are getting work” – This one hurts the most really. Like I don’t fight back hordes of other designers for my projects.
It really makes me want to start a Bring you Parents to Work Day so they can work the 17 hours a day with me and help me be customer service, art director, accountant, marketing director, production manager, etc. See how much they complain and not understand what I do…. “So Matt, what do you do now?” – “EVERYTHING!!”
Remember, Matt…Bill Gates’ parents said the same thing to him while he worked in his garage on “that weird computin’ stuff!”
Thanks, Vi! I keep reminding myself that they mean well but it’s having to explain why I won’t follow through on their ideas that stretches my patience to the breaking point.
It’s like how people ask you to run errands or such during the week because you freelance and therefore don’t really “work.”
Excellent. This article is spot on. My grandmother reminds me at every gathering that her friend’s granddaughter designs the artwork on Kleenex boxes. This is clearly what I should be doing. Also, thanks for reminding me to rent Art School Confidential! I can’t believe I haven’t seen it yet.
When grandma brings up the Kleenex thing, just say, “that’s nothing to sneeze at!” and laugh manically for five minutes and then stop abruptly and say nothing further all evening.
This happened to me yesterday. A neighbor (a neighbor, not a relative! beware, the sickness is extending) asked me what I do and when I said “programmer” she asked about what I DO and how much I earned.
After trying to explain it to her (she’s a lawyer by the way), you know what she said?
“That’s cool. Maybe you should teach me sometime how to program so I can earn _____ (my salary) during my free time!”
I was going to strangle her but my grip isn’t good. And I have to make sure it’s a clean job otherwise I’d get a lawsuit.
I’ve told a friend (not a close friend) umpteen times that I design operations manuals and do revision editing. He asks me to design brochures when he has the need. Apparently , if you’re a graphic designer, all you can do is design brochures.