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The FSw Get Yourself Fired competition yielded many fantastic entries. In no particular order, here are the highlights:

Joao suggests:
Keep looking over your shoulder in a paranoid way, like you’re seeing things. When anyone asks if you want a cup of coffee, refuse politely saying coffee doesn’t mix well with amphetamines.

Taka suggests:
Show up to work hours late — when your boss asks why you’re late, reach into your pocket and pull out a forged note from his “mom” asking to please excuse you because you were spending quality time with her, then tell him that your mom is quite the woman and amazingly is still good in bed with 100% sincerity.

Kenny suggests:
As you are sitting at your desk, working diligently, suddenly stand up at attention, while saluting and scream: “Yes sir! Sh*t, ass, b*tch, sh*t, b*tch, damn!” then do 25 push-ups, then sit back down as if nothing happened. When someone approaches you about it, just say: “Oh that? When I was in Vietnam I acquired a case of turrets syndrome,” even though you’re only in your 20s.

Jason suggests:
Especially if you work in an IT company…the WiFiphobe…walk around with a tin foil hat screaming “the WiFi is coming! The WiFi is coming!” Extra points if you have an ET-esque voice and can say “ET connect home via BlueTooth…”

Competition winner Amber suggests:
Grab a portable boombox and loudly play Eye of the Tiger as you walk around the building. When you get to the conference room were your boss is having one of his meetings, jump on the table and proceed to dance erotically. When the song ends, flip off your boss, jump off the table, and leave building immediately.

J.T suggests:
Dress completely in black, and get some of that pale makeup some people have and put it on your body. Show up to work dressed in a ragged T-shirt, jeans, and perhaps a trenchcoat, and play nothing but Death Metal. When someone inquires about you, tell them that life, like work, is bleak. Then go into some goth/emoish poetry.

Tyler suggests:
Instead of the fridge, store your lunch in other peoples workspaces, on the copier or in the elevator. get really offended when people ask about it. Get furious when someone moves your lunch and stomp around looking for the culprit, violently rustling papers on peoples desks and dumping out their trash cans for evidence. have your best “mad face” on.

Aayush suggests:
Set your cellular phone ringtone tone to something embarassing — a good choice would be “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”. Now, get a laser pointer and some popcorn in a non-descript bag.
The next time you enter a company meeting where your boss is presenting, do the following routine:
1. At every slide transition, clap. Not a weak clap, make it large as if they’ve blown the bridge over river Kwai or something.
2. Whenever your boss is making a particularly hard-hitting point, take that laser pointer and aim at his crotch. The idea is to keep it pointed at his crotch no matter how animated he is. You get extra points if everyone knows you’re doing this except your boss.
3. When interactive sessions happen, and especially when your boss asks “Do You have something to say?”, play that ringtone.
4. At other moments, crush the popcorn. If you’re gutsy enough, eat it. But the point is to make noise. If anyone looks at you, say “It’s not me dude!”

Adam suggests:
Come into the office with a Chainsaw. Rev it up and walk over the the water cooler, chop straight through the middle of it and yell “You will al perish in flames for your sins!” and then run away. Come back in the next day with a fire extinguisher say “I heard about the flames incident” Then let rip with the fire extinguisher.

J.T. suggests:
Show up naked at the home of your boss’s significant other or offspring. Be sure to bring flowers and sing “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel. Bonus points if you are gender inappropriate for the victim.
(Unless the goal is to get fired without being arrested — that one’s harder.)

Jesse suggests:
Repeatedly complain about how hot it is in the office and gradually strip down to your underwear. 5 bonus points for going completely nude and leaving your underwear on your desk. 20 bonus points for the underwear being dirty, stinky and sweaty. 5000 bonus points for stripping with a little dance and twirl while humming the 80s rock song of your choice, spinning the underwear on your finger and flinging it onto your bosses desk or head.

Francis suggests:
Every once in a while, slip in the sentence “It burns when I pee” in the company’s letterhead templates, website and email signatures.

Competition winner Nicolai suggests:
For a starter you can start sending emails to everyone in the company every time you leave your desk. Example “If anybody needs I’m on the toilet” or “For the next two minutes I’ll be at the water cooler”
You can spice it up by sending out a second email when you return, giving people details about your trip to the toilet or the weird green stuff you fund in the water cooler.

Tim suggests:
The next conference call, after each name the organizer calls for attendance repeat “yah, I tapped that.”
* Example:
Organizer: “Pam Drummand”
You: “Yah, I tapped that”
Organizer: “John Evans”
You: “Yah, I tapped that”
If this gets boring, throw in some variety
Organizer: “Mary Wilson”
You: “Oooh, can’t wait to tap that”
Organizer: “John Higgins”
You: “Wouldn’t tap that if you paid me!”
When confronted, reply that it’s not your fault if they are not “getting any”, and then offer to coach them on how to hook up with the “easy secretary”.

Zack suggests:
End every thing you say with “So Sayeth the Lord” in as sanctimonious a tone as possible. When at meetings, before speaking, say, “I’d like to suggest a homily.” When interrupted at your desk doing nothing hold up a finger, wait a moment, then say, “Sorry. I was just finishing up a meeting with God. God says…”

Ryan suggests:
Photocopy your posterior several times, tape the sheets into one long strip of paper. Insert it into the fax and tape the start to the end so its looped into the fax. Fax the endless loop of bum copies to another fax in the office.

Marc suggests:
Come in late and make a big deal out of everybody starting without waiting for you.
Every time a co-worker asks you something reply with “Okay”, no matter what the question is.
Keep screaming “BE QUIET!”.

Raine suggests:
Repeatedly play “Mary Had A little Lamb” over the intercom
by hitting the following numbers on your telephone:
321 2333
222
333
321 2333
321
321

Alex suggests:
Ask your co-workers if their up for a game of grab-ass. Lead by example; flamboyantly parading around the office, grabbing as much ass as possible.
When everyone is appropriately offended, proceed with a celebratory round of high-fives.
Rinse. Repeat.

PR suggests:
Right, I’ve seen this one done, and never thought it would rile so many people…
Steal the “Tab” key from as many keyboards as possible, and after every incident, leave a Post-It reading: “You’ve Been Tabbed”. Become the prolific Tabber, it annoys more people than I thought possible!
Bonus points for hiding stolen keys in a colleagues desk drawer etc.

Anthony suggests:
Each day when you go to work, bring a new homeless person along with you. Continue to give away fellow employees cubicles as new homes for the homeless. When confronted about the issue, respond by simply saying how racist the person is regardless of the homeless person’s race.
When they finally fire you, insist that you are moving into your boss’s office.

Mat suggests:
Over the course of a week start accumulating photos of your boss on your cubicle walls, and start to get a little shy around him/her. Then, when people start getting worried, have an argument with your boss about something petty, fly into a rage, throwing photos around/burning them/shouting about how betrayed you feel.
When you get walked off the premises, you can top it off by waiting at your boss’ car. When they come back to it beg them to take you back.
Needless to say, they wont, and you’ll have a rather useful restraining order meaning you never have to go back again.

Karl suggests:
Whenever the time is mentioned in the office stand up and point to the person who said it and say “Nine to five? I don’t think so…”, keep your pointing and smiling face pose for a few seconds before sitting down and mentioning once how great it would be to be freelance.

J.D. suggests:
Wait until you boss shows up at the job site. When working on a crane truck (or on a tall building) wait until you have been lifted to a great height (good to make sure it took at least 5 minutes to get that high), then drop the 1 tool that you HAVE to use.
Make an oops face.
After receiving an angry 5 minute lowering from your co-worker while your boss is impatiently watching and fidgeting around as if the lack of work is physically effecting his body, pick up the tool.
Have the co-worker raise you again.
Drop tools once again, and make another oops face.
Do this until you get fired / your boss takes your place to prove your point. Either you will be fired for your lack of productivity or your boss with fall and severely hurt himself… and you will be fired.

Barry suggests:
Become obsessed with the boss, run to his car when he pulls up, lay down your jacket on the ground so he has to step on it to get out and open the door for him…insist that he steps on it.
Then follow him as much as you all day just staring at him and smiling coyly..any thing he says, shoot him with two fingers and say ‘I like your style!’…

Josh suggests:
Respond to every cliche thing your salesman boss repeats every day of your life:
“Elvis has left the building!”
Response: “Oh he left huh? I didn’t realize! Should we call his cell phone? Should I run and stop him?”
“You’re the man with the plans!”
Response: “I’m not sure what you mean. Plans? Did I miss your memo? I should take better notes, I apologize.”
Anyone asks “What’s happening?”
Boss: “YOU are. YOU’RE what’s happening!”
Response: Pour coffee in his face.

Michael suggests:
Start your freelancing full time, while still employed. Have all calls forwarded to your current place of business, setup meetings with clients, the whole bit…and of course always answer the phone starting with your freelance business name. Pretty soon you’ll either have gotten fired…or you’ll have taken over the business as your own.

Pristine suggests:
Wear daggy full-on black clothes to work everyday, including a black hat for effect. When people ask you if you’re going to a funeral, say “Maybe I am”.

James suggests:
Go to: http://www.ulc.net/ and fill out the form to be ordained as a minister. Once you’ve received your ordination status via email. Go into your bosses office and request a name plate change, business card change, email signature change, and have them update the website to add Rev. (reverend) in front of your name, anywhere it appears in company documentation.