Fourteen Surefire Ways to Getting Yourself Fired (Plus a Competition)
Jack KnightThere comes a time in every person’s life when you need to leave your job. Whether it’s to become a freelancer or just to find a better job, you find yourself presented with a choice: resign with dignity or be remembered for getting yourself fired in the most outrageous way possible.
In a quest to find the ultimate way to get yourself fired we’re running a competition for all you FreelanceSwitch readers. To get you thinking here are five to get you started courtesy of thePhatPhree.com’s list of 50 plus nine extras that I came up with this afternoon!
1. The Auctioneer (From PhatPhree)
Sell office items on ebay. “Hey Mr. Jones, I need your chair. Some guy in Boston bought it for 85 bucks… You believe that? Don’t worry; I’ll cut you in. How’s 80/20 sound? It’s only fair since I did the all work.”
2. The Worm (From PhatPhree)
Store live bait in the refrigerator with a price tag. When confronted, ask how much they want. Then when they insist you remove it, deny having put it there, and get angry at the implication.
3. The Material Girl (From PhatPhree)
Tape the paper cones from the water cooler onto your chest and sing “Material Girl” at the top of your lungs into a stapler. Refuse to stop.
4. The Switcheroo (From PhatPhree)
Repeatedly change your boss’ homepage to farmgirls.com, and then put a repair request into the IT department from his email.
5. The Sex Chair (From PhatPhree)
Insist your coworkers smell your chair, repeatedly saying that it smells like sex. Constantly comment about how hard it is to concentrate with the sweet smell of sex in the air.
*Having an erection the whole time really sells this one.
6. The Crush
Wait until your boss leaves his desk then send emails from his computer telling coworkers about his ’special feelings’ for them. Sign them ‘Big Daddy’.
7. The Paper Hog
Print War and Peace repeatedly on the office printer. When a coworker asks what you’re doing, accuse them of having no culture.
8. The Possessive
Any time a coworker asks to borrow stationery, give them a dirty look then proceed to lick all sides before handing it to them grudgingly.
9. The Insulting
When coworkers try to talk to you, shout “Lookout behind you!” then walk away.
10. The Pirate King
Give yourself a comic name like ‘the Pirate King’ then begin referring to yourself in the third person in all conversations: “The Pirate King does not understand what you’re asking him”, “The Pirate King does not fill out time sheets” …
11. The Venereal Disease
During your next company meeting, scratch your groin visibly then turn to your boss and say loudly ‘I thought you said the itching stops after a few days’
12. The Screw
Carry a pocket full of rusty screws. Whenever anyone tries to talk to you, ask them if they’d like you to give them a screw. When they fail to look impressed, pull one out from your pocket.
13. The Workout
Take a high octane workout every lunch time. Don’t bother showering or changing. For extra points, give everyone a hug on your return to the office.
14. The Thruster
When greeting people around the office, accompany all handshakes with a thrust.
The Competition
We’re giving away two copies of Tim Ferris’ new book ‘The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich‘ to two lucky FreelanceSwitch readers. All you have to do is write your outrageous way to get yourself fired in the comments. Make sure you leave your name and email address in the appropriate fields. We’ll pick two winners - one for the funniest and one random winner. Winners will be picked solely at my discretion and the books shipped out immediately.
Entries close Sunday 12pm 3rd June Sydney time (Check what time it is in Sydney here)
We’ll publish a list of the best entries next Sunday on the Lighter Side here at FreelanceSwitch, so look out for it!
Deb Ng
May 27th, 2007
How about pulling a Jeff Spiccoli and having a pizza sent to the boring weekly team conference or important business meeting? Then eat it with gusto, oblivious to the stares of those around you. If someone says something, remind him you’re enjoying a snack on “your time.” Lack of neatness and table manners are a plus.
Joao Ribeiro
May 27th, 2007
The Druggie
Keep looking over your shoulder in a paranoid way, like you’re seeing things. When anyone asks if you want a cup of coffee, refuse politely saying coffee doesn’t mix well with amphetamines.
Taka Kojima
May 27th, 2007
Show up to work hours late — when your boss asks why you’re late, reach into your pocket and pull out a forged note from his “mom” asking to please excuse you because you were spending quality time with her, then tell him that your mom is quite the woman and amazingly is still good in bed with 100% sincerity.
BlueBandana
May 27th, 2007
The Interior Designer
Pack up everything in the office, including all furniture, and move it into the hallway. Extra bonus if the contents are falling all over the place. If asked what you are doing simply reply “I am so tired of this office, it looks horrible.” Go out to the car and bring in a few bags of play sand, a kiddie pool, and a beach chair. Dump the sand into a corner and open up the chair. Set up the pool and fill it. Bonus if filled cup by cup from the water cooler. Proceed to sit in the chair pretending to sun yourself. Occasionally cool off by jumping in the pool.
Kenny King
May 27th, 2007
As you are sitting at your desk, working diligently, suddenly stand up at attention, while saluting and scream: “Yes sir! Sh*t, ass, b*tch, sh*t, b*tch, damn!” then do 25 push-ups, then sit back down as if nothing happened. When someone approaches you about it, just say: “Oh that? When I was in Vietnam I acquired a case of turrets syndrome,” even though you’re only in your 20s.
Joel Laumans
May 27th, 2007
These are classic! If you are gonna go down, go down in style!
Jason
May 27th, 2007
Especially if you work in an IT company…the WiFiphobe…walk around with a tin foil hat screaming “the WiFi is coming! The WiFi is coming!” Extra points if you have an ET-esque voice and can say “ET connect home via BlueTooth…”
Jason
Amber Yount
May 27th, 2007
Grab a portable boombox and loudly play Eye of the Tiger as you walk around the building. When you get to the conference room were your boss is having one of his meetings, jump on the table and proceed to dance erotically. When the song ends, flip off your boss, jump off the table, and leave building immediately.
J.T Dabbagian
May 27th, 2007
Dress completely in black, and get some of that pale makeup some people have and put it on your body. Show up to work dressed in a ragged T-shirt, jeans, and perhaps a trenchcoat, and play nothing but Death Metal. When someone inquires about you, tell them that life, like work, is bleak. Then go into some goth/emoish poetry.
Bonus points if you cut yourself!
Of course, you could just announce that freelancing is better then working. That’ll do the trick.
jos
May 27th, 2007
awesome, very awesome… i may have to try this one day, one day soon
tyler
May 27th, 2007
instead of the fridge, store your lunch in other peoples workspaces, on the copier or in the elevator. get really offended when people ask about it. get furious when someone moves your lunch and stomp around looking for the culprit, violently rustling papers on peoples desks and dumping out their trash cans for evidence. have your best “mad face” on.
Robert
May 27th, 2007
Leave human feces in your bosses desk drawer everyday until he decides he wants to install security system for the office.
Dor
May 27th, 2007
Do as follows:
The pointless.
Go to http://www.pakin.org/complaint/ in order to make a complaint letter of about 10 paragraphs to generate. That will give you about more than a 3 page letter of a complaint letter your boss will have a headache understanding.
To make it even worse, after you have generated the text, copy paste it to http://ssshotaru.homestead.com/files/aolertranslator.html in order to make it even more frustrating for him to understand, especially when it says after every sentence “WTF LOL”.
At the end, write him a short message in the letter saying you want to be fired, but you don’t want to quit. Probably, your boss will read the first 2 lines and ask you what you want, and say, please read the WHOLE letter to understand…
Imagine the rest…
(Sorry for double-post if I did)
Aayush Iyer
May 27th, 2007
Set your cellular phone ringtone tone to something embarassing — a good choice would be “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”. Now, get a laser pointer and some popcorn in a non-descript bag.
The next time you enter a company meeting where your boss is presenting, do the following routine:
1. At every slide transition, clap. Not a weak clap, make it large as if they’ve blown the bridge over river Kwai or something.
2. Whenever your boss is making a particularly hard-hitting point, take that laser pointer and aim at his crotch. The idea is to keep it pointed at his crotch no matter how animated he is. You get extra points if everyone knows you’re doing this except your boss.
3. When interactive sessions happen, and especially when your boss asks “Do You have something to say?”, play that ringtone.
4. At other moments, crush the popcorn. If you’re gutsy enough, eat it. But the point is to make noise. If anyone looks at you, say “It’s not me dude!”
I quit last week.
Adam Griffiths
May 27th, 2007
The Lumberjack
Come into the office with a Chainsaw. Rev it up and walk over the the water cooler, chop straight through the middle of it and yell “You will al perish in flames for your sins!” and then run away. Come back in the next day with a fire extinguisher say “I heard about the flames incident” Then let rip with the fire extinguisher. :p
Tina
May 27th, 2007
When I worked in telephone customer service, I always said that if I won the lottery this is what I would do to get myself fired:
1. Go to work dressed in a bridesmaid’s dress, crystal tiarra, and a magic wand
2. Bring my pack of cigarettes, a crystal ashtray, a martini glass, and a bottle of vodka.
3. Sit down at my desk, pour a drink, light a smoke, and get on the phone to do my job.
4. Tell every customer exactly what I thought of them and offer to solve problems by waving my magic wand.
David N
May 27th, 2007
This is an adaptation of a classic muck-up day prank.
Pied Piper
Bring three pet rats to work and label them 1, 2 and 4. Let them loose in the office “accidentally” and then watch as the rest of the staff look cautiously over their shoulder for rat number 3 for the next few days!
Aaron Bassett
May 27th, 2007
Fill a super-soaker with egg whites & shampoo. Hide in your office until a co-worker, your boss, delivery guy walks past, jump out and squirt them while shouting “bukkake party!”
*bonus points if you start licking it off their face afterwards while saying “mmmh salty”
J.T. Grmes
May 27th, 2007
Show up naked at the home of your boss’s significant other or offspring. Be sure to bring flowers and sing “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel. Bonus points if you are gender inappropriate for the victim.
(Unless the goal is to get fired without being arrested — that one’s harder.)
J.T. Grimes
May 27th, 2007
Put on a dog collar and crawl around on all fours. Bark and growl at people as they go by. Grab the bosses pants-leg in your teeth and tug. When you need a pee, carry a leash around in your mouth and whine until someone takes you for a walk. Hump the secretary’s leg. Scratch yourself often. Lick yourself in rude ways, if you’re limber enough. Roll onto your back and invite people to scratch your belly.
Repeat until fired or taken to the pound.
Ash Haque
May 27th, 2007
Ask your boss if you can come in early one day to finish some work, and then seran wrap his whole office.
anonymous
May 27th, 2007
The Blue Ball
- Walk around with an erection all the time.. or put a torch down there.
The Full Pack
- Add a couple of tennis balls to the torch above.
The Nuts
- Put your “nuts” on top of the desk of your boss.
Jesse Skinner
May 27th, 2007
The Striptease
Repeatedly complain about how hot it is in the office and gradually strip down to your underwear. 5 bonus points for going completely nude and leaving your underwear on your desk. 20 bonus points for the underwear being dirty, stinky and sweaty. 5000 bonus points for stripping with a little dance and twirl while humming the 80s rock song of your choice, spinning the underwear on your finger and flinging it onto your bosses desk or head.
Francis Wu
May 27th, 2007
The VD Branding
Every once in a while, slip in the sentence “It burns when I pee” in the company’s letterhead templates, website and email signatures.
Nicolai Lønne
May 27th, 2007
Getting fired is not always easy. For some reason it seems to have become popular between employers to help people - instead of just kicking them out. Getting an alcohol or drug problem is no longer the answer as your boss and/or co-workers will most likely try helping you with an intervention. If being inadequate or directly incompetent at jour job you’ll be forced to attend boring courses…
Getting fired really requires a lot of hard work.
For a starter you can start sending emails to everyone in the company every time you leave your desk. Example “If anybody needs I’m on the toilet” or “For the next two minutes I’ll be at the water cooler”
You can spice it up by sending out a second email when you return, giving people details about your trip to the toilet or the weird green stuff you fund in the water cooler.
Insist that your company email address be changed to mark-marcson_office-GOD-and-ruler-of-the-univers@companyname.com
Put jour waste basket on your desk and label it Inbox (classic, but powerfull)
Lie about obvious thing. Example; “No I’m not the one who stole you lunch…” while your clearly holding the remains in your hand.
Don’t shower and/or fart in the elevator!
Uninstall Windows from all computers and replace it with the geekiest version of Linux. Forget to back up anything.
Good luck loosing that job!
Ed
May 27th, 2007
Put decafinated in the coffee maker for four weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.!
or
Page yourself over the intercom repeatedly and don’t disguise your voice.
Phil Gerbyshak
May 27th, 2007
The operator:
Answer every phone call with “City morgue, you stab ‘em, we slab ‘em, which stiff would you like to speak to?”
Tim McCormack
May 27th, 2007
The next conference call, after each name the organizer calls for attendance repeat “yah, I tapped that.”
* Example:
Organizer: “Pam Drummand”
You: “Yah, I tapped that”
Organizer: “John Evans”
You: “Yah, I tapped that”
If this gets boring, throw in some variety
Organizer: “Mary Wilson”
You: “Oooh, can’t wait to tap that”
Organizer: “John Higgins”
You: “Wouldn’t tap that if you paid me!”
When confronted, reply that it’s not your fault if they are not “getting any”, and then offer to coach them on how to hook up with the “easy secretary”.
Zack Kushner
May 27th, 2007
So Sayeth the Lord
End every thing you say with “So Sayeth the Lord” in as sanctimonious a tone as possible. When at meetings, before speaking, say, “I’d like to suggest a homily.” When interrupted at your desk doing nothing hold up a finger, wait a moment, then say, “Sorry. I was just finishing up a meeting with God. God says…”
Ryan Price
May 27th, 2007
Photocopy your posterior several times, tape the sheets into one long strip of paper. Insert it into the fax and tape the start to the end so its looped into the fax. Fax the endless loop of bum copies to another fax in the office.
or
If you have an intercom system, try paging yourself several times a day without disguising your voice. Nobody wants to work with the crazy guy
Marc
May 27th, 2007
The Defecter
Print out lots of “DEFECT” papers and put them on everything you see. Computers, printers, doors, pens, etc.
The Auto Responder
Configurate your work email so it automatically sends a reply to everyone who sends you an email. Then send a mail to everyone at your office including yourself which should start an infinite number of emails.
The Spamz0r
Subscriber your boss (or even all your co-workers) to as much spam and mailing lists as possible.
The Virus Dude
Keep installing viruses and random crap and keep complaing to your boss you wan’t work this “shitty computer”. And everytime you get a new PC or they repair start all over again.
The Hacker
Track your co-workers internet activities using a tool like tcpdump and publish the most interesting results. (publishing can mean “printing it 100 times” too)
The Wait-For-Me Guy
Come in late and make a big deal out of everybody starting without waiting for you.
The “Okay” Guy
Everytime a co-worker asks you something reply with “Okay”, no matter what the question is.
The FreelanceSwitch Promoter
Print out this article like 500 times and “distribute” it within your office.
The Laughing Guy
Keep watching comedy like South Park while you should be working and laugh out loud, very loud.
The MeetUp Guy
Call all major customers/clients/business-partners and set up appointments on your boss’ behalf. Don’t let your boss know :).
The Keyboard Guy
Try to get as much as keyboards as possible without your co-workers knowing. Bonus Tip: play this game with other co-workers who are about to leave and play for the most keyboards.
The GTDer
Keep reorganizing everything at your desk or even the whole office. Whenever someone asks you why you’re not working tell them you are optimizing it to “get things done”.
The Sceamer
Keep screaming something like “BE QUIET!”.
The Re-arranger
Re-arrange your co-workers keys on their keyboards when they are away.
The Competitioner
Ask your boss if he has some creative ideas on how-to get fired.
I Used To Be Angry!
May 28th, 2007
I’m posting this as an alias, because this actually happened to me:
Reply to a client calling them a c**t, when you meant to hit ‘forward’ and enter your team leader’s email.
Needless to say, I was fired
Raine Walker
May 28th, 2007
Repeatedly play “Mary Had A little Lamb” over the intercom
by hitting the following numbers on your telephone:
321 2333
222
333
321 2333
321
321
Ricky
May 28th, 2007
Ah geez, guys… How is this necessary or helpful at all? This site just got knocked down a grade on my scale.
Ching Boon
May 28th, 2007
Surf Freelance Switch in front of Boss during office hour 24/7
Adnan
May 28th, 2007
The Blogger
Non-stop writing, checking stats and checking Adsense to see how many cents you’ve made and reading other blogs.
Ah crap, I’m screwed.
Alex
May 28th, 2007
Ask your co-workers if their up for a game of grab-ass. Lead by example; flamboyantly parading around the office, grabbing as much ass as possible.
When everyone is appropriately offended, proceed with a celebratory round of high-fives.
Rinse. Repeat.
PR Design
May 28th, 2007
Right, I’ve seen this one done, and never thought it would rile so many people…
Steal the “Tab” key from as many keyboards as possible, and after every incident, leave a Post-It reading: “You’ve Been Tabbed”. Become the prolific Tabber, it annoys more people than I thought possible!
Bonus points for hiding stolen keys in a colleagues desk drawer etc
Jonathan Mojica
May 28th, 2007
The Order Man!
Take a leave for 3 days. From home, on the 1st day, order boxes of pizzas ENOUGH to feed the ENTIRE OFFICE and tell the delivery store to charge the boss. On the 2nd day, change pizza to pastry (cake, etc.), on 3rd day, change pastry to burgers or taco bells. On the fourth day, ask your boss first thing in the morning how were the foods that you ordered for him. On the 5th day, prepare to pack your things!
Just remember, amount of food delivered should be more than enough to feed everyone at the office. And oh, dont forget to tell the delivery store to charge everything to the boss!
Anthony
May 28th, 2007
The Philanthropist
Each day when you go to work, bring a new homeless person along with you. Continue to give away fellow employees cubicles as new homes for the homeless. When confronted about the issue, respond by simply saying how racist the person is regardless of the homeless person’s race.
When they finally fire you, insist that you are moving into your boss’s office.
Mat
May 28th, 2007
This one takes a little effort, but will definitely freak people out enough to fire you.
Over the course of a week start accumulating photos of your boss on your cubicle walls, and start to get a little shy around him/her. Then, when people start getting worried, have an argument with your boss about something petty, fly into a rage, throwing photos around/burning them/shouting about how betrayed you feel.
When you get walked off the premises, you can top it off by waiting at your boss’ car. When they come back to it beg them to take you back.
Needless to say, they wont, and you’ll have a rather useful restraining order meaning you never have to go back again.
Karl
May 29th, 2007
The switcher
If you work in a windows environment spend a few weeks collecting or obtaining as many Apple stickers as you can. Come into work early and place one on each computer as well as taping both mouse buttons together to look like one. When asked about why you did it start explaining the advantages to using Mac and continue bringing up the advantages throughout the day as you work.
“Aw, my explorer just crashed. Finder wouldn’t do that, Finder is the explorer equivalent for Mac OS X and it does it’s job so well. I remember when i first used…”
The same method can be used if you are working in an Mac environment but when was the last time you saw Microsoft stickers?
Karl
May 29th, 2007
Another which has been mentioned, but with a twist.
The future freelancer
Memorise two to three articles from the freelanceswitch.com site and proceed to invade peoples conversations and start quoting the article word for word. After complete tell people how great it would be to be freelance with a louder than normal voice to make sure everyone can hear.
Whenever the time is mentioned in the office stand up and point to the person who said it and say “Nine to five? I don’t think so…”, keep your pointing and smiling face pose for a few seconds before sitting down and mentioning once again how great it would be to be freelance.
jdjohnson
May 29th, 2007
True story - (have to have this job type to qualify)
Wait until you boss shows up at the job site.
When working on a crane truck (or on a tall building) wait until you have been lifted to a great height (good to make sure it took at least 5 minutes to get that high), then drop the 1 tool that you HAVE to use.
Make an oops face.
After receiving an angry 5 minute lowering from your co-worker while your boss is impatiently watching and fidgeting around as if the lack of work is physically effecting his body, pick up the tool.
Have the co-worker raise you again.
Drop tools once again, and make another oops face.
Do this until you get fired / your boss takes your place to prove your point. Either you will be fired for your lack of productivity or your boss with fall and severely hurt himself… and you will be fired.
Go home, play video games. Wake up, obtain a job you enjoy.
Barry McGee
May 29th, 2007
Become obsessed with the boss, run to his car when he pulls up, lay down your jacket on the ground so he has to step on it to get out and open the door for him…insist that he steps on it.
Then follow him as much as you all day just staring at him and smiling coyly..any thing he says, shoot him with two fingers and say ‘I like your style!’…
Josh
May 30th, 2007
Respond to every cliche thing your salesman boss repeats every day of your life:
“Elvis has left the building!”
Response: “Oh he left huh? I didn’t realize! Should we call his cell phone? Should I run and stop him?”
“You’re the man with the plans!”
Response: “I’m not sure what you mean. Plans? Did I miss your memo? I should take better notes, I apologize.”
Anyone asks “What’s happening?”
Boss: “YOU are. YOU’RE what’s happening!”
Response: Pour coffee in his face.
This is all personal stuff, sorry to post here.
Corby Simpson
May 31st, 2007
Cut a hole in the wall to “make” your own window…
James
June 1st, 2007
I once has a boss that was a total stickler for the dress code, which required oxford, jacket, slacks, nice shoes, etc. When I decided to get fired I just started “paring down” the dress code a bit every cxouple of days — first no jacket, then jeans, then sneakers, then white socks, then a worn t-shirt, which put him over. He pulled me into his office, furious, and fired me. It was awesome. When I came out my desk was packed and left with a delightful spring in my step and have never looked back,
michael
June 2nd, 2007
Oh this is easy. Start your freelancing full time, while still employed. Have all calls forwarded to your current place of business, setup meetings with clients, the whole bit…and of course always answer the phone starting with your freelance business name. Pretty soon you’ll either have gotten fired…or you’ll have taken over the business as your own.
Perplexed
June 2nd, 2007
*Obviously after you read this tale of woe you will understand why I can’t use my real name*
At my performance appraisal I told my boss everyone of thier annoying faults. Then I told them all the ways they could improve thier performance, then I told them why the organisation was underperforming.
I still wasn’t fired so then I went through my roles and responsibilities explaining point by point that I was no longer prepared to do each role under thier management bar the one, most basic one.
I thought for sure I would be fired but I wasn’t, I was offered counselling.
So then I asked the board to move a vote of no confidence in my boss and eventually the board stood my manager down. It took them another 8 months to actually fire my boss.
In the end I actually had to resign.
However my resignation was the start of my freelance career and I now invoice the company I used to work, for many times what they paid me. In addition I now work for many of thier clients with encouragement from my former board.
Life can work out well for those who are prepared to that the path less travelled.
Pristine Ong
June 2nd, 2007
Wear daggy full-on black clothes to work everyday, including a black hat for effect. When people ask you if you’re going to a funeral, say “Maybe I am”.
Catalina Lee
June 2nd, 2007
During tea breaks during meetings, when The Man (or The Woman) is eating, tell him/her that he/she hasn’t been growing any taller. Points for saying this loudly and munching a donut at the same time, PLUS offering one to the boss too.
Kathy
June 2nd, 2007
The Time Machine!
Pretend you’ve invented a time machine and make out that your bosses are dinosaurs.
Kathy
June 2nd, 2007
Run around giggling to yourself as you blatantly, in front of everyone, change all the clocks to 5:30, pack up and leave.
Molli Fire
June 3rd, 2007
Present your boss with a completely set up account for Basecamp or some similar application and show them how it works. Conclude with pointing out how this application replaces the need for his/her services, thus making the boss obsolete. No boss would want to be replaced by software that can do the job better and more efficiently, so you would be fired.
James Mitchell
June 5th, 2007
the Amen Method:
Go to: http://www.ulc.net/ and fill out the form to be ordained as a minister. Once you’ve received your ordination status via email. Go into your bosses office and request a name plate change, business card change, email signature change, and have them update the website to add Rev. (reverend) in front of your name, anywhere it appears in company documention.